I feel ambiguous about having goals. However B and I have had some really serious talks over the last week or so, and this led to us agreeing that I would move out at the start of next year, which gives me six months to prepare, save up money, and absolutely get myself some direction and great habits in preparation for this time. This doesn’t mean we are breaking up, but it may give me the space to recover without wrecking our relationship.
The idea scares me a lot, actually, since my impulse control is still a bit out of whack, and I have to resist doing whatever pops into my head all the time, and my temper is awful, and my moods are temperamental as well, and sometimes shocking. At times it comes unexpectedly, like this morning whilst we were having breakfast in town with friends I had a sudden urge to cry, though it passed within a few moments and at least I am learning now that it will pass. As for impulse control I began smoking suddenly for absolutely no reason though I have quit this habit really quickly. It only lasted a couple of weeks then I let B know, and stopped again.
I also have no idea whether I can cope with living on my own, as the last time I did so was at University and that was over a decade ago now.
The urge to self-harm in various ways sneaks up on me, and gets stronger when the sun goes down, and intrusive thoughts still work their way over and over in my brain, though these are more distracting than anything else. This week it was a comedy carrot cartoon that was disturbing my thoughts, sent to me by a well meaning friend on Facebook over a week ago now. The carrot drinks the lean, and fix the spleen, and most importantly it have a peen. It rhymed, and lots of people found it highly amusing, but it went around and around in my head for days. In my current state is was one more distraction. Thanks Buddy. I suppose there is a place in the world for a carrot with a peen, but I’m not sure whether there should be. What do you think? (Comment below). I may do a post on intrusive thoughts at some stage, as those scary thoughts about what if I accidentally kill someone, or get an embarrassing disease, or wake-up next to my boss after an office party, are quite normal (apparently). I still get paranoid that nobody likes me too, which seems absurdly childish and arrested in terms of development at my age.
So, I am aiming to get and stay as healthy as possible for the next six months. This will involve beginning again with the positive affirmations. (See Positivity Kung Fu).
It will also involve doing exercise every day. At the moment I am using an app called Coach Me, and within this app I am trying to work my way up to 100 press ups gradually in the 5K pushups challenge, and working my way up to being able to do 200 squats in the 10K squats challenge, and also will be aiming to do a 5 minute plank within the next 100 or so days. Currently I am up to 1min 30 plank, and 5x 7 reps of squats, and 5x 7 reps of push ups. There is still a long way to go. The Coach Me app is a good habit tracker that you can use on your phone, and you can get support from other members in a group. I used one group to stop drinking for 30 days, and the group support really rallies round. You can also hire coaches on this app for $20.00 per week.
For more information on this app see the link below:
On top of this I am aiming to continue to study Kung Fu, though this has been delayed as the friend I go with has been having some issues lately, but I’m aiming to encourage him to return to the class. I may also be taking up a self-defense system, called Krav Maga. These are all intended to help me with body confidence, with regards to anxiety, and to better help me handle impulse control in what I feel to be confrontational situations, to stop me blowing up when I feel I can’t handle something. I am also really hoping to improve my diet, though I haven’t developed a plan for this yet.
I am going to be using an app called Insight Timer to recommence the habit of meditation, and this is another community based app where other people can offer you support. I will be mostly using Michelle Zarrin’s meditations on this app. I may write a separate entry on Michelle, but I want to start actually using her meditations again before I do so. Anyway, here is a link to her site on Insight Timer.
I am also continuing to swim once a week, and am aiming to up my use of the gym to at least three times a week, though if I do that I will have to be careful about not wearing myself out.
Just as an incidental, I am also aiming to begin a project of reading through Peter Boxall’s list of 1001 books to read before you die. (At the moment I am using Goodreads to track my reading) https://www.goodreads.com/ and I am currently reading The History of the Russian Revolution by Leon Trotsky, which is a big book and is taking quite some time.
Next year I am aiming to be on track with my savings and will be entering a period of study beginning a psychology degree with the Open University.
Actually written down this looks like quite a lot to be going on with for now, especially with a full time job. I’m still fighting, and sometimes I guess it is important to remember that when things go wrong, it may be down to illness, rather than a character flaw. It is difficult to know when to draw that line, but it is awful knowing that the things that I have done have caused upset, worry, and even fear at times.
If anybody has anything healthy they are doing, or any apps they use to maintain their good health, let me know about it below. Thanks very much.