The Fight Back

I have been writing this blog for a month now, and for that time my back has been against the wall.   There have been a lot of times when I haven’t found too much positive to say, I understand that this entrenched position is of my own making.  I ask myself have I got any further forward?  Well, in material terms I am about to.  I have been handed opportunities to sort my mess out.  This will take time, but this time will not be wasted.  I am so determined to do the right things right now, that one year from now my life my well feel completely different.  If I have to live like a secluded monk between then and now I’ll do it.  If I have to get out of my comfort zone I’ll do it.  If I have to find my inner warrior I’ll do it.  I’m not in a great place, but I’m in a good place to use as a spring board now.  If I have to withdraw a little that might be a good thing.  If I have to learn to focus in a different way I’ll learn to do that.

Whatever happens now it is time for me to start coping.  If I make mistakes along the way so does everybody else.  If I mess up a few times in the next few months that won’t be surprising but if it is only a few times it will still be an improvement.  I am desperate to be a functional person again, inside my own head I mean, to be stronger, to be in control, to be more effective.  If I have to make some sacrifices to do that fine.  If I have to prioritise every day the things that most matter I’ll do it.  If I have to re-learn skills that I have lost, if I have to gain skills I never had, if I have to be dull dull dull, in order to nurture and foster something I can grow into then that is what I will do.  If I have to completely re-wire my brain, the way I see the world, and myself, and everything around me,  I will work it out, because I have to work it out.  I cannot live with this feeling that my back is against the wall any longer, or that I can’t trust myself any longer, or allow any form of doubt to consume me any longer.

From here forwards it is all about the positive.  Even in the crappy times, I am going to be enjoying the challenges, living life, because otherwise what is the point?

Wow that was something of a rant.  Thanks for reading.


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