I have been writing this blog for a month now, and for that time my back has been against the wall. There have been a lot of times when I haven’t found too much positive to say, I understand that this entrenched position is of my own making. I ask myself have I got any further forward? Well, in material terms I am about to. I have been handed opportunities to sort my mess out. This will take time, but this time will not be wasted. I am so determined to do the right things right now, that one year from now my life my well feel completely different. If I have to live like a secluded monk between then and now I’ll do it. If I have to get out of my comfort zone I’ll do it. If I have to find my inner warrior I’ll do it. I’m not in a great place, but I’m in a good place to use as a spring board now. If I have to withdraw a little that might be a good thing. If I have to learn to focus in a different way I’ll learn to do that.
Whatever happens now it is time for me to start coping. If I make mistakes along the way so does everybody else. If I mess up a few times in the next few months that won’t be surprising but if it is only a few times it will still be an improvement. I am desperate to be a functional person again, inside my own head I mean, to be stronger, to be in control, to be more effective. If I have to make some sacrifices to do that fine. If I have to prioritise every day the things that most matter I’ll do it. If I have to re-learn skills that I have lost, if I have to gain skills I never had, if I have to be dull dull dull, in order to nurture and foster something I can grow into then that is what I will do. If I have to completely re-wire my brain, the way I see the world, and myself, and everything around me, I will work it out, because I have to work it out. I cannot live with this feeling that my back is against the wall any longer, or that I can’t trust myself any longer, or allow any form of doubt to consume me any longer.
From here forwards it is all about the positive. Even in the crappy times, I am going to be enjoying the challenges, living life, because otherwise what is the point?
Wow that was something of a rant. Thanks for reading.