A bad day

I was half way to work this morning, I felt pretty tired and still half asleep, I think the swim last night took it out of me.  I was rubbing my face, and it felt all numb, and the skin felt sore, and it was strange because the sun was shining, and I’d had a nice walk in the sunshine with B, and the dog, and should have been feeling pretty good I suppose, nothing immediate was happening that was feeling like a threat of any kind, I should have been feeling okay, it felt like everything should feel okay, you know, things aren’t perfect, far from perfect, but for now okay, but I felt this shocking tiredness, as though I could just lie down anywhere and fall asleep, just even on the path, fall asleep, if I put my head down on that concrete I might have been able to, because I felt like my limbs were a dead weight and that I was being carried forward like a falling forward man, my eyes felt like rough slits cut in my face, so while the gulls cried, and the birds sang, and the people walked around in their summer wear I was walking this strange walk, and in the morning sun too, that life-giving, reviving sunlight, and then the memories started to hit me, and they were hitting me in the stomach, so that I felt sick, because guilt hit me really hard at all the trouble I have caused for people, and it was the sort of guilt-pain that used to stop me eating, I hadn’t thought about that for over ten years, when I must have gone under 10 stone, 6 foot 2, when I wanted to become transparent and disappear altogether, back then, and the guilt hit me about all the chances I had simply squandered in one way or another, unreasoning throwing away of chances, as though they were clothes I were leaving on the beach whilst I walked into the waves, as though that were a one way trip into the water, but it was more about the people who had given me those chances, and it was like a Kung-fu fist twisting my stomach about, and you know I didn’t stagger around the street of course, I crossed my arms across my stomach and kept walking into work, and when I got there, I put on a pair of fake glasses to make somebody laugh when they looked up and saw them unexpectedly, and pretended to be okay, but my brain wouldn’t get started, it wouldn’t fire up, it was a cold dead thing in my skull, it was like I wasn’t there at all, but I kept up the pretence, and then somebody came to see me and asked for my help, and I tried to help him, I fired off some emails to help him, and met with his manager, but the manager kept repeating some dumb line over and over, some gutless line that meant nothing as though life was just so much sand in a timer counting down, and that this nonsensical thing she kept saying was how life could be explained, that helped nobody, just sand pouring out of her mouth, and out of her eyes, and out of every orifice, and no apology for the sand, as it filled the whole room, I had no idea what she was saying, I think I wrote down a date maybe on a sheet of paper, and said well we’ll see.

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