I am writing today, because I haven’t written for a while, and I’m very conscious of being in a brain slump energy slump. I think this is due to nicotine withdrawal, and not down to my illness, though the two things feel markedly similar, and it is entirely possible that the nicotine withdrawal is hitting me particularly hard due to whatever it is that caused me to feel so unwell for the last two years, and sporadically through my lifetime.
This time I am definitely not going to smoke again to test the theory, but plan to ride the experience, which is really just brain fog, and tired eyes, and a kind of mental flatness. The reason I am separating this from my illness, is that I don’t feel tunnelled out and horrified, and stiff with fear. It is actually a fairly pleasant lethargy that is simply inclining me to sleep a lot.
This post then is a collection of thoughts and ideas in not very logical order. The urge to write is with me all the time, actually, at the moment, and a few things I have watched, and a few things I have been thinking about, around boredom, are now growing into ideas, that I will explain and try to render tangible in this blog post.
I watched an inspirational vlog recently by Elliot Hulse, who is entertaining, and thought provoking. He talks about not feeling guilty about not wanting to be a cog in the machine. Not being guilty about having diverse interests. He speaks about growing your own resources so that you can exchange your energy to serve more people. He also speaks about becoming obsessed with marketing, to get your message and information out there. (Something that I am trying to think objectively about as it feels as far away from anything that I have been conditioned to believe in, being naturally retiring, and I also find like many of you I’m sure, have been perhaps been mis-taught when it comes to pushing our ideas forward, and allowing others, with bigger mouths and smaller brains to run things for far too long, when we know…we just know…that there are better ways of doing things. )
He also speaks about finding something you absolutely love…with me it is reading and writing…and instead of letting that love strangle you, so that you think you must do it, let the love embrace you. Allow yourself to be immersed in it. All this from a guy who is famous for running his own warehouse gym and advocates dealing with confrontational circumstances by breathing from your balls. (I’m not sure how I came across him but I’m glad I did). He speaks about a daily search within your heart for what you love.
If you are interested you can check him out here. The opening talks about this being aimed at a certain age group, which is a shame, because it is not just inspiration for young people, but for everybody:*
I have been thinking about how I use my brain a lot recently. It is funny how as soon as you start to think along certain lines life seems to reward you with chunks of inspiration, and delivers insights that allows you to mine the channels of thought. This is partly to do with my burgeoning meditation practise that has allowed me to be more objective about how I am feeling, and is rewarding me with ample positive thoughts about where I truly want to be in life, and what I should truly be focusing on, by allowing objective distance between my thoughts, and my emotions.
This week I have been listening to Michelle Zarrin’s gratitude meditations. The Ethos is that you turn your mind away from what it is that you lack, and instead build a stronger framework, based on what you have in your life instead. I want to say at this point, that I don’t believe that this is a cure for mental illness, or a way of summoning the universe to your aid, but it is useful when in a negative situation, as some would perceive me to be, in debt, with a hard job, lots of potential stress, that there is also beauty to be found in the world around me. It perhaps helps to build resilience, if you can move the focus of the mind away from dark things that can easily sap your energy. It helps me, and I would recommend trying meditation. I will talk about this in another blog entry further down the line.
*As always I am not being sponsored but recommend the things I come across if they seem useful.