This week has been a total write off. Actually that is bullshit. It hasn’t been a write off. I have managed to dig deep into some resiliency somewhere and quit smoking, and it has felt difficult, partly because the withdrawal seems to mimic, or have resurrected some of the depressive low concentration, and disassociation that I feel when really low, but I think I am becoming calmer in my outlook and more accepting of these feelings, more objectively aware of the seriousness of them too, probably because I am pursuing meditational practises with more discipline, and this discipline is bringing me a curious pleasure.
In fact I am going to break off whilst I’m thinking of meditation and go meditate right now…
So…The Meditation today was from Michelle Zarrin’s abundance through gratitude series, and today was about gratitude for your partner’s qualities. It is all about looking at the things you value in life, rather than what you lack. I find myself craving simplicity, and I guess it doesn’t come any simpler than sitting on a floor with your legs crossed and your back straight. Actually it is not so simple as all that.
Today it took me about 15 minutes into the meditation to settle in and centre myself. At that point I was able to concentrate with more focus on the tide of my breathing, and was able to centre my concentration in an attentive and singular way. Until that point my thoughts were bouncing here there and everywhere, from one concern to the next, and I thought today’s effort was going to be a practise simply in the awareness that my mind is unsettled, and about the extent to which it was resistant to quietude, unwilling, and unwielding in it’s strange power to zig-zag all over the place, and leave you frazzled before you even know why. But then, the focus suddenly kicked in, and I had for short, wonderfully tranquil periods, just the tidal sigh of my own breath in my head, and all that unbidden chatter fell silent at the change in the purity of my internal focus. It is a great feeling.
You should try it if you never have, and let me know how you get on.