The Anonymous Maus.

I began to have a nervous breakdown last summer.  It was the most serious breakdown of the several that punctuated my life since I was about seventeen years old. (I am thirty six now.) Today my partner said goodbye for a few days, and I realised I am going to be alone with my thoughts,... Continue Reading →

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Of Light and Sorrow

A lot has happened in the last week and a half. I have a new place to live, and managed to sort out the deposit and rent for the first month.  I am nervous about moving into a house share but that will resolve itself. Last Friday, (today is Wednesday) I hit another low.  B... Continue Reading →

Going for the Knives

Yesterday I spent a day in a place of safety.  Fortunately we don't own any super sharp knives that would slice cleanly, so all I have are scratches.  I didn't have the courage to stab the knife into my wrist, it wasn't the fear of pain, but actually a more sober thought of the damage... Continue Reading →

Bucket List

That morning I went to the GP to discuss the fact that I have now become completely tolerant to my medication, and am now jumping at butterflies floating past, and people dropping little bits of paper on tables, and doors closing, and usual day to day sounds.  Such fun. I got the locum doctor.  He... Continue Reading →

Now the Drugs Don’t Work

Call me slow on the uptake.  It probably only took a month or two to realise that I'm drowning again, and it feels like I'm almost back at square one, and this time it feels like I haven't even got the will to try to drag myself out of it, but I will. Day operated... Continue Reading →

Talk to Me

I was sitting in a pub, at some point in my history, it was on a Friday evening after work.  A tide was washing over me, the tide was sweeping in and out, and each time it swept over me I felt something of myself being swept out to sea.  That's what it felt like,... Continue Reading →

A bad day

I was half way to work this morning, I felt pretty tired and still half asleep, I think the swim last night took it out of me.  I was rubbing my face, and it felt all numb, and the skin felt sore, and it was strange because the sun was shining, and I'd had a... Continue Reading →

The Fight Back

I have been writing this blog for a month now, and for that time my back has been against the wall.   There have been a lot of times when I haven't found too much positive to say, I understand that this entrenched position is of my own making.  I ask myself have I got... Continue Reading →

Healthy Ambitions.

I feel ambiguous about having goals.  However B and I have had some really serious talks over the last week or so, and this led to us agreeing that I would move out at the start of next year, which gives me six months to prepare, save up money, and absolutely get myself some direction... Continue Reading →

Losing My Shit

B said it had been easy driving, and we were getting on fine, making good time and listening to music.  We entered a service station when we got half-way to the Brecon Beacons because the dog was making a fuss.  The service station was busy , and we drove around once looking for a space.... Continue Reading →

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