The Anonymous Maus.

I began to have a nervous breakdown last summer.  It was the most serious breakdown of the several that punctuated my life since I was about seventeen years old. (I am thirty six now.) Today my partner said goodbye for a few days, and I realised I am going to be alone with my thoughts,... Continue Reading →

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Getting Back Up

For the last week I have been sleeping for twelve hours at a time.  It was fourteen hours last night.  I have become sloth.  I'm not too worried though as it seems to be making things easier to manage. The onset of the sleeping was a bout of depression.  It felt pretty deep and lasted... Continue Reading →

Brain Fog Pain

I have just got back from the doctor.  He has agreed to up medication to 30mg citalopram and 7.5mg of Olanzapine. I have been sleeping a lot lately, and have felt simple tasks to be difficult.  My ability to concentrate has been shattered.  Every basic task that requires focus requires the utmost focus before I... Continue Reading →

Tricksy Brain Part Two

So I woke up this morning, and cried.  I left my room, made some porridge.  Ate it.  Got back into my room.  Cried.  Not good when you have to walk out of your house, and down the street, and sit at your desk, when you don't know whether you are going to hold it together... Continue Reading →

This Tricksy Brain

I went swimming today, this evening in fact and I'm glad I did for a number of reasons. The first reason is that I have felt for the last two days as though I were somehow underground, trying to dig myself up to the surface, where the real air, and the concrete thoughts are, and... Continue Reading →

Thank You B.

I was going to call this post Using my Brain, until I was inspired to call it Thank You B.  As a kid I was excited by a lot of different things.  Music moved me, classical music.  I listened to it, and felt a world unfurling.  It ignited my imagination.  Knowledge too.  I was never... Continue Reading →

Self-Harming and Metta

In the past I have self-harmed on occasions when situations became overwhelming.  It was only an occasional thing, often related to some unbearable tense feeling, that was accompanied by a sense that something needed to be resolved, and drawing a heated knife across the skin did lend a horrible sense of resolution where there was... Continue Reading →


This week has been a total write off.  Actually that is bullshit.  It hasn't been a write off.  I have managed to dig deep into some resiliency somewhere and quit smoking, and it has felt difficult, partly because the withdrawal seems to mimic, or have resurrected some of the depressive low concentration, and disassociation that... Continue Reading →

How to Wake Up a Brain…

I didn't want to speak to anybody at all today...So of course I had a meeting all day, with a visitor who was an organiser for the Union in the South of England.  I'm not sure why she was there, and if I'm honest I was incapable of caring.  My head felt like an enormous... Continue Reading →

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